How The Drag Queen Got Her Boobs

My feet are blistered and there are red lines along my toes where the high heels cut in. Just below my chest there is a pain where the bra was done up too tightly and my legs still have the vice-like sensation of nylon tights all over them. It was a draining experience. I am, it has to be pointed out here, a cynical and argumentative bastard at times. I write some pretty irritating articles - some of which are getting their just desserts currently on a sister blog - and I can be quite brash and critical of society and fluffy bunnies. Currently, in ethics, I am studying egoism. Pioneered by a Greek philosopher called Epicurus and updated in the 20th Century, egoism starts with a simple belief - all humans are selfish. In fact, psychological egoism went as far as to say that we are unable to make any actions that don't benefit us in some way. From praying to get ourselves into heaven to buying presents for a loved one to get some lovin', many philosophers were convinced that altruism, self-sacrifice and unconditional love were all completely nonexistent. And you know what? I sat there and nodded. They were, of course, completely right. All we wanted was what was best for us - in Epicurus' case he marked this as hedonis or pleasure - and all we ever do is look after number one. I didn't have a problem with this. It seemed pretty damn logical. There might be good consequences occasionally, but our motive is always one of selfishness. Today, I sat in my ethics lesson and smiled. My hair was a mess of red, gold and a hastily-washed natural brown. I wore a thin, purple, frilly top over a lacy black bra (padded, of course, with some file paper), and a suede beige skirt. Underneath, some skin-coloured tights and some bright, white, high-heeled sandals. To my left, a friend with a camera full of photos. To my right, a friend with a coat full of donation money. And somewhere in front of me, wandering around the school with a bucket, was a bloke dressed as a seven-foot tall bear. There was something immediately wrong with the concept of egoism, and selfishness. I couldn't somehow get away from the fact that I was doing this to justify myself. The night before I had felt guilty for not having raised any money at all for Comic Relief this year, and so the concept of a 'give me money to play dress-up' evolved from that. But, selfish or not, I had gone in dressed up to the nines like some New Age tarot throwback. And you know what? I raised sixty pounds. It is all going to the UK and Africa to help some of the most deprived and needy men, women and children in the world. All day long I witnessed acts of daring, of generosity and of inappropriate use of bears. Some of them gained popularity from this, no doubt. Many will have gained a sense of wellbeing. The believers amongst us feel closer to an understanding of unconditional love. There are lots of motives for doing good in the world. But the motives of our actions - selfish though they may be - still have genuinely good consequences. Tomorrow, tens of millions of pounds will fly away and completely transform the lives of countless numbers of people. But there will still be a huge number who are left along, dying. Thirty thousand children die every day. Throwing money at a problem will only help so much. And so, to Comic Relief. As I strutted up the hill back towards school after catwalking down to the shops and being looked at disdainfully by all, it struck me that what I was doing was selfish in some way. I was doing it to get rid of my guilt. But at the same time I know that the world will wake up tomorrow with a little more justice in it becuase of my actions. Yes, perhaps I am trying to seek popularity (although I've got a strange way of doing it). But at the same time, my fifteen minutes of fame has allowed abused children in the UK a chance at having theirs one day. Yes, maybe I was trying to reconcile myself with some god or other. But at the same time, I am giving others a reminder that someone, somewhere does care - godly or not. Epicurus, in many ways, was right. We are all selfish animals. Everything we do benefits us in some way. But that doesn't mean we should despair for all humankind. And nor does it mean that what was done today was done completely out of selfishness. Our desire to put right the wrongs of this world might have been to stop us feeling guilty for letting them happen in the first place. But they also have a undeniably good effect. The world changes for the better because of our selfish actions. But selfish actions was what created this situation in the first place. The reason I dressed in drag today was not simply for kicks, nor was it for fame, nor was it merely for sponsorship money. The G8 leaders could solve world poverty with a snap of their fingers. Sure, there would be fallout. But that could be contained too. We can protest. We can revolt. We can demand equality. But they will not give it to us. The point in Red Nose Day, and the point in what I did today is that we don't need to protest, or demonstrate, or fiddle politics. We can dress up in drag and help out the poorest people in the world. That's how damn easy it is. And if dressing up in tights and a lacy bra to supply starving children in Africa with a real future is selfish, then call me Scrooge. Red Nose Day 2005 - Just Do Something