A Senior Moment

Perhaps they'll tell me when I'm older. That's what I think sometimes. Maybe I haven't got a grip on things. All these things I write and think about - life, death, friends, family, love, hate - all this abstract nonsense that somehow manages to find its way to this site and, thus, to you. Maybe it's not all logical and well thought out. Maybe it's irrational, nervy, angsty crap? What am I doing, wasting my teenagehood musing on these stupid things? Soon, my time will be up and I'll join the real world where we're all grown up and we get on with things in life properly. No place for angst there. So I'm walking along the street, right, and I see this guy dragging some boxes of supplies into a school canteen. He's heaving, a fag drooping from his wisened face and an expression of world-weariness about him. I wonder if he's ever considered the concept of Evil and Suffering and the Free Will Defence. I wonder if he's ever considered how God could ever exist in a world while evil and suffering continues. I don't get much further than that. He looks at me and shoots me a look of disgust, at which I bow my head and continue walking. Later, I'm walking through the school. Some git in the year above me strolling down the corridor with New Look's best attempt at Modern Woman - a mess of mascara (maybe she's born with it) and faux-pearl. I wonder if they considered why they're together. Has she ever thought he might just be in it for the sex? Has he ever thought anything less? She sneers at me and hugs tighter to the best attempt she could make at Modern Man. I shake my head an walk on. Then I'm in a hall, and there's a man telling us about community. He's a walking, talking contradiction as he tells us that we mustn't just tell others how to live their lives, but we must make a difference ourselves. I imagine what he will do after this - return to his office and sign pieces of paper. I wonder if he's ever wondered what makes a leader lead and the others follow. I don't even bother to pursue it any further. The answer's clear. So then I'm eating lunch, and listening to these two kids talk. They're discussing economics, politics, history or something vaguely attached to it. They ask if the Euro will strengthen the world economy. They ask if right-wing politics are lost on a classless society. They ask if we'll ever return to the bohemian rhapsody of the late nineteenth century. I wonder if they've ever asked if God will give them merit based on their bias, their success or their liberalism. They look at me and ask my opinion. I smile and nod. If growing up, maturing, becoming an adult - if this means ignoring these questions, then people are mistaken if they think I wish to grow any more. If someone's idea of taking their place in this world is to stop asking questions and start following orders, then I think I've been horribly mistaken through all my life. If people will only listen to me when I'm talking their language, then I don't think I can discuss anything with them. Later I get an email from someone. They applaud my angst. They tell me how it's healthy, good for me to grow but something I shouldn't worry about too much. After all, these problems tend to fade after a while. These questions - they've been asked before. And the answers have been found and sorted out. We - you, me, they - don't need to worry about them any more. People have sorted things out. But what are these answers? If no one's asking any more, we must have solved the problems. So what are the answers? Perhaps they'll tell me when I'm older. That's what I think sometimes. And so I wait, and I grow old. How long left?

The Pinboard

The skittles are out. The books are open. The exams are near. No article this week, just a pinboard - I really should be getting down to work but the lure of Deus Ex 2 proved to be too much. What a mother of an anticlimax that turned out to be. But I'm back on track now, so don't expect much on this blog. If you're dying for something to read, check out Legends, the working-title story in progress. Or not, as the case may be. Site Of The Week New Scientist - Quantum Physics across the Great Wall of China. And if you think that's exciting... well... you're sad like me. Blog Of The Week Blogger Buzz - A showcase of what Blogger does for the world. Unsurprisingly, it doesn't update on a daily basis. Quote Of The Week

"It really is of importance, what men do, but also what manner of men are that do it. Among the works of man... the first importance surely is the man himself."

--- John Stuart Mill, On Liberty

Currently Consuming

Sugar. Just sugar.